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How’s your prostrate my lover?

January 2012

Have you ever got up during the night busting for a pee? You wake up at some ungodly hour then you stumble to the loo and stand there at the Shanks pyjama trousers round your ankles and you stand and wait and wait and nothings happens. About seven days before we went on our holidays I had the rotten experience of secretly (don’t tell the wife) going to the doctors to say ‘I believe I am suffering from what you would call urine retention’ which in layman’s terms means my bladder is full and I am busting for a pee! After examination the Doctor suggested I should go to hospital for tests however I explained I was going on holiday within days so he agreed to an alternative plan with a course of pills that would take a few days to take effect ‘In the meantime Geoff you will have a few days discomfort’ which was an understatement!

I drove home thinking ‘do not for Christ’s sake tell her indoors’ my loving wife because if she knew it would ruin the holiday, trained by her Mother how to react in these circumstances she would see my problem as something she would stage manage from the minute I told her so I decided to suffer in silence. I started the pills immediately and as we prepared for the holiday I knew I was ‘some gonna suffer’ because carrying a full bladder and suitcases acting as though ‘there’s nothing wrong with me dear’ will not be easy. The four hour flight to Malta was sheer murder cramped up in those stupid small seats and being put on the window side by my wife ‘so you can look at the clouds dear’ (condescending old rat-bag) did not help matters at all as I played ‘excuse me dances’ throughout the flight visiting the also cramped up bog five or six times with not a pee in sight! “Are you all right you seem very quiet” Lou was to repeat several times ‘Yes I’m fine my lovely I will be thinking a lot about next season so if I’m quiet don’t worry I am so looking forward to a complete rest for a few days’ the real truth was I was in agony and short tempered into the bargain.

We really love holidays and everywhere we go we like to learn all about a different part of Europe and its cultures but on the way from the Malta Airport to the Hotel we watched the traffic and some pretty dreadful driving. No BLUE PASSES here for the disabled I thought just a few mad drivers trying to create disabilities so we decided not to take up the car hire we had previously arranged which was a good excuse as sitting in the crouch position busting for a pee driving in a strange country did not appeal to me at all, instead we decided to walk everywhere ‘looking for Loo’s’ no doubt! The night times were dreadful Lou slept through it all while I suffered having to contend with bladder ache and her snoring! Several years ago her Mum and Dad stayed at our house and I was woken up with the unbelievable sounds of their heavy snoring two doors away accompanied by Lou as I mused in their distant lives they probably descended from British bulldogs!

By day 4 of the pills they started taking effect and things were slightly better so we enjoyed seeing Malta and using the fantastic leisure facilities at the hotel. Whilst Lou went to her yoga classes I studied the decorating of toilet walls on all floors 1 to 12 but by the end of the week things got a bit more comfortable so I could not wait to return to the doctor to see ‘what’s next’
He prescribed a further course of tablets advising I would have to come back to surgery in seven days time with a FULL BLADDER to take a ‘PEE test’ which means you pee into this tube and the strength of your pee is measured to determine if the matter has to be referred to hospital. The Doctor reminded ‘Don’t forget a FULL BLADDER’

I decided it was time to tell Lou, immediately her face clicked into’ funeral mode’ She ranted on a bit about me keeping secrets to which I said ‘that is the reason I didn’t tell you, silly moo I will be all right and I bet I pass the test’ In the morning I took her breakfast (still eating) and the nags started! “Don’t forget you have got to drink all day, what have you had to drink so far today and I will take to the doctors” ‘No you bloody well won’t I will take myself’ I did exactly what the Doctor and now Dr Lou (the wife) had advised and arrived with a ‘bursting bladder’ I gave my name at reception saying I had an appointment with the nurse to which the receptionist said “I am sorry Mr Wiles she is running about half an hour late” She is WHAT! OMG! WTF! I thought ‘But I have a full bladder test I pleaded do you mind if I wait outside’?

My sense of humour returned ‘this is seriously taking the piss my bladder feels like a boiling kettle’ standing in the car park hopping from one foot to the other to relieve the burning sensation and avoiding setting eyes on arriving patients in the hope that I would prevent someone asking “What time does Truro start Geoff or when’s the end of season”? Trying to take my mind off the subject I found the painted car parking lines a challenge as I tiptoed around the spaces giving myself an ‘am I drunk test’ anything to occupy my mind away from the additional half hour wait but constantly kept looking across at reception to await being called.

The nurse eventually came ‘follow me’ through the waiting room where it seems all 7 people had watched me in the car park acting like a lunatic. “I am sorry to have held you up” (So am I) she then told me how the test would happen. “You will need to have a pee into that bowl there which will be measured by quantity and speed and I will go into next door to wait until you have finished. By now I was severely stressed out as she departs to another room I broke my zip in the hurry to conduct the test where I was being judged on ‘IT’S HOW FAST CAN YOU PEE TIME’ ever ready for the test to start my effort was abysmal with a slight trickle then nothing!! Nothing, nothing, nothing as the nurse knocked on the door to ask ‘Is there a problem’? “No go away for a few more minutes” I begged as the floods started and I peed contentedly for what seemed forever and ever the relief put an instant grin upon my face I could hear music in the distance and thought ‘I bet I pass this test’! Nurse came back to measure the quantity and quality and speed of my deflated bladder, what a lovely job I thought but that’s probably taking the piss out of her work, bless her! Next day I was anxious for the Doctor to tell me the test went ok only to be told ‘You did not do so good yesterday’ I reminded him the nurse was running half an hour late and with a full bladder “I am amazed I didn’t take a pee in the hedge”!

Several weeks and pills galore later I felt better and got the ‘all clear’ from the doctor the ordeal was over; my Lou could put her funeral face away for another occasion. The seriousness of this saga is that at the same time I started my ‘cannot pee’ fiasco up country Lou’s Professor father was going through a similar experience only the tests proved positive for cancer! Following months of most uncomfortable therapy the cancer was treated and I am pleased to report he also has been now given the ‘all clear’

Bottom line; the pills worked for me so lads if you have problems similar to this don’t suffer in silence have the balls to go and see the doctor but for a peaceful life ‘Do not tell the wife’
And finally, taking all into consideration we had booked the holiday through the internet and it was great. The Hilton 5 Star Hotel half board with amazing food and for the stunning winter reduced price of six hundred quids including flights. Malta is a lovely country at peace with itself and one of the only countries we have been where the locals seem to really like us Brits and are pleased with their historical links over many years with our United Kingdom!



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