Car Boot Sales are a great place to find a partner so getting to know some of our regulars where we can get to the ‘real live gossip’ which is great fun, it’s ‘change your partner’ time! Over the years Lou and I have witnessed some amazing relationships that have started off at our sales, we cannot say they last forever cos we are continuously stunned at how quickly some blokes dump one missus and the following week he appears with another woman on his arm walking around the booty with a smug ‘look at me’ attitude and being all lovey-dovey for all to see. We have known so many couples for years then suddenly she goes missing from her regular partner for a week or so then low and behold she arrives with a new partner the ‘new beau in her life’ but she is not as bold nor as brazen as the blokes, her sort of cannot show public love for she ‘new partner’ so she treats him like an additional shopping bag or makes him wait in the pigging entrance whilst she goes and gets her car boot shopping and gossip therapy and to buy new (second hand) sheets and a duvet cover for the ‘new partners’ marital bed!

 Life is just like that here in Cornwall where the women are in control and gorgeous and the men are just plain f ugly and lucky and gormless most of the time! (That is according to the women) I can think of ten of our male customers all ugly fat and forking podgy and I can think of ten of our regular lady customers with ‘figures to die for’ (if only) (dream on!) and ninety-nine percent of them are all lovely-lovely ladies.    I could name the one percent who has fallen off the popularity and Rictar scale, but she knows who she is, so she does so!! If CBC were Coronation Street this lady most definitely qualifies as Car Boots Cornwall’s very own Ena Sharples!! (Clue) She is ok to look at on profile from about a mile away without your glasses FFS! Our Boot Sales are a great place to find a partner so getting to know some of our regulars where we can get to the ‘real live gossip’ is great fun, it’s ‘change your partner’ time! Over the years Lou and I have witnessed some amazing relationships that have started off at our sales, we cannot say they last forever cos we are continuously stunned at how quickly some blokes dump one missus and the following week he appears with another woman on his arm walking around the booty with a smug ‘look at me’ attitude and being all lovey-dovey for all to see. We have known so many couples for years then suddenly she goes missing from her regular partner for a week or so then low and behold she arrives with a new partner the ‘new beau in her life’ but she is not as bold nor as brazen as the blokes, her sort of cannot show public love for she ‘new partner’ so she treats him like an additional shopping bag or makes him wait in the pigging entrance whilst she goes and gets her car boot shopping and gossip therapy and to buy new (second hand) sheets and a duvet cover for the ‘new partners’ marital bed!

 Life is just like that here in Cornwall where the women are in control and gorgeous and the men are just plain f ugly and lucky and gormless most of the time! (That is according to the women) I can think of ten of our male customers all fugly fat and forking podgy and I can think of ten of our regular lady customers with ‘figures to die for’ (if only) (dream on!) and ninety-nine percent of them are all lovely-lovely ladies.    I could name the one percent who has fallen off the popularity and Richter Scale, but she knows who she is, so she does so!! If CBC were Coronation Street this lady most definitely qualifies as Car Boots Cornwall’s very own Ena Sharples!! (Clue) She is ok to look at on profile from about a mile away without your glasses FFS!

 I can think of more than 10 couples who have joined this merry-go-round over recent years and some of them have changed partners three or four times FFS! So love blossoms at our car booties. We know of couples who have met and fallen dramatically in love with each other but they have a ‘no sex’ relationship (shaking hands at night instead of shaking anything else) “Goodnight dear” and off they go to their separate beds (to take themselves in hand-no doubt) but they dearly love each other to bits with absolutely no ’touchy-feely’ they are genuinely the greatest of mates and the bestest of friends and great company for each other but often referred to as complete nutters?

 These NO SEX relationships are either out of respect for his dearly beloved departed partner or (more than likely) cos his dick doesn’t work any-more FFS or more like it the new she woman in his life he finds out when it is too late that her is as frigid as fcuk or she’s got a permanent headache or she suffers mood swings hot flushes and a weak bladder or she’s had everything in that special place between mummies legs ‘all taken away’ FFS?

Life seriously isn’t all about sex (yes, it is) (oh yes it is) when you are looking for a new partner. The worst part for the men is a fear that his old John Thomas does not rise to the occasion when the opportunity for the new partner ‘first shag’ does arise! An even bigger worry is that his new she partner may find out in no time –at all that she is much worse off than the one she has just got rid of FFS or his new she woman has really found out what a miserable tight fisted old shit the new beau in her life is and basically he is not a lot barer than the one she has just got rid of and he is pretty fricking useless then in the ooking shack as well, FFS!

 From then on in me Anzum your new she women or her man has a tight grip on your balls, (or yer short and curliest) believe me. So, nothing’s changed that much really different partner, different ways, different strokes different fcuk? But has it all worked out how you had hoped and dreamed, well, has it or has it not? I do hope so-so that you can both build on your happiness for each other. Life’s a beach, then you marry one FFS.

So, if you are alone and without a partner why not come to our Community Car Boot Sales here in Cornwall wearing a white Tee Shirt advertising ‘I am FREE and all alone’ and I am looking for a loving and caring partner’ in smaller print a disclaimer “But I must get my wife’s permission first FFS” You will find that at all of our boot sales there are hundreds of people who you can meet up with and there are some fantastic but genuinely lonely ones of all ages looking for the new partner in their lives but be warned! Get rid of the old one first FFS! Some of em are probably just out for a little bit ‘on the side’ or ‘a quick shag’ or ‘a knee trembler’ so to speak so ask yourself this.

Check this out.

 ‘Is it your body and love and friendship and genuine company that they want’ (or vice-versa) (or are they just out for a ‘one to five’ minute quick shag) (or both) or are they (more than likely) just heartless bastards who will swear ‘love and loyalty’ to you but all they are really wanting is to get into your knickers-briefs then’ sod off’ with all your dosh dear? Beware of your foolish hearts my lovers, because you have but one life and if the truth be known you have more than likely cocked it up once or twice already FFS if the truth be known so to speak. But be happy be careful and don’t give yourself away too cheaply my lovelies FFS. Also beware, happiness has a price to pay so watch out for some buggers come along and try and spoil it all for you. Cos that’s what’ll happen, that’s what’ll happen you mark my words me Anzum if you don’t dot the eyes and cross the effing tees that’s what’ll happen! So, let’s all do a Compulsory Pre-Nuptial agreement, shall we?

 I can think of more than 10 couples who have joined this merry-go-round over recent years and some of them have changed partners three or four times FFS! So, love blossoms at our car booties. We know of couples who have met and fallen dramatically in love with each other but they have a ‘no sex’ relationship (shaking hands at night instead of shaking anything else) “Goodnight dear” and off they go to their separate beds (to take themselves in hand-no doubt)(wank-wank time) but they dearly love each other to bits with absolutely no ’touchy-feely’ they are genuinely the greatest of mates and the bests of friends and great company for each other but often referred to as complete nutters?

 These NO SEX relationships are either out of respect for his dearly beloved departed partner or (more than likely) cos his dick doesn’t work any-more FFS or more like it the new she woman in his life he finds out when it is too late that her is as frigid as fcuk or she’s got a permanent headache or she suffers mood swings hot flushes and a weak bladder and a dose of the in-bed farts   which is king out of control ffs or she’s had everything in that special place between mummies legs ‘all taken away’ FFS?

Life seriously isn’t all about sex (yes, it is) (oh yes, it is) when you are looking for a new partner. The worst part for the men is a fear that his old John Thomas does not rise to the occasion when the opportunity for the new partner ‘first shag’ does arise! An even bigger worry is that his new she partner may find out in no time at all that she is much worse off than the one she has just got rid of FFS or his new she woman has really found out what a miserable tight fisted old shit the new beau in her life is and basically he is not a lot better than the one she has just got rid of and he is pretty fricking useless in the shack as well, FFS!

 From then on in me Anzum your new she women or her man has a tight grip on your balls, (or yer short and curliest) believe me. So, nothing’s changed that much really different partner, different ways, different strokes different fcuk? But has it all worked out how you had hoped and dreamed, well, has it or has it not? I do hope so-so that you can both build on your happiness for each other. Life’s a beach, then you marry one FFS.

So, if you are alone and without a partner why not come to our Community Car Boot Sales here in Cornwall wearing a white Tee Shirt advertising ‘I am FREE and all alone’ and I am looking for a loving and caring partner’ in smaller print a disclaimer “But I must get my wife’s permission first FFS” You will find that at all of our boot sales there are hundreds of people who you can meet up with and there are some fantastic but genuinely lonely ones of all ages looking for the new partner in their lives but be warned! Get rid of the old one first FFS! Some of em are probably just out for a little bit ‘on the side’ or ‘a quick shag’ or ‘a knee trembler’ so to speak so ask yourself this.

Check this out.

 ‘Is it your body and love and friendship and genuine company that they want’ (or vice-versa) (or are they just out for a ‘one to five’ minute quick shag) (or both) or are they (more than likely) just heartless bastards who will swear ‘love and loyalty’ to you but all they are really wanting is to get into your knickers-briefs then’ sod off’ with all your dosh dear? Beware of your foolish hearts my lovers, because you have but one life and if the truth be known you have more than likely cocked it up once or twice already FFS if the truth be known so to speak. Beware of the tossers and wankers of both sexes cos they get you near to a climax then halfway they lose fcking interest and fall asleep ffs?          But be happy be careful and don’t give yourself away too cheaply don’t give then your dosh nor yer safe keys my lovelies FFS. Also beware, happiness has a price to pay so watch out for some buggers come along and try and spoil it all for you. Cos that’s what’ll happen, that’s what’ll happen you mark my words me Anzum if you don’t dot the eyes and cross the effing tees that’s what’ll happen! So, let’s all do a Compulsory Pre-Nuptial agreement, shall we?

The Agreement shall say.

1. Thou shalt not never in no way hit each other (count to ten then another ten then if HE is still annoying the hell out of you-you should wait until he has got a hard on at some time ‘today’ then accidently but firmly knee him gently but firmly in the bollocks, one direct hit hurts like fcuk FFS!) However, if SHE is still annoying the hell out of you then tough shit young man WTF!  Deal with it!

2. Thou shalt love and be loyal to each other and only in exceptional circumstances one or two little white lies are allowed (just to keep the frigging peace) 2a. Thou shalt ‘honour and love each other’ but thou shalt be allowed to argue over the ‘I will obey bit’ until the men respond to the wife’s training eventually conceding sorry dearest, ‘I was wrong’ and ‘you are so right’  again FFS!!

3. Thou shalt treat any children in the new relationship with due respect and ‘eat them’ starting with the eldest!! Next, eat all of their ‘social media contacts’ and top of the bill to complete the meal finally ‘eat the in-laws’ from both sides of the family for the peace and quiet and love for the new relationship FFS!  Bon Appetit!

4. Thou shalt agree that either partner may ‘take up references’ over this following confessional to ensure both partner is not telling ‘porky pies’

   ‘And in the beginning, thou shalt both confess to each other to all of your murky past love lives in full gory details please (without lies or exaggerations) by fessing up to each other all of your various (bedded) conquests to the nearest nought, i.e. 10 20 30 up to 100 plus, then who is telling forking great lies FFS! In that confession you should explain why your previous relationship didn’t work and.

   (4a) Thou shalt remember NO slagging off your ‘ex’ partners cos you loved them at one time (yes you did) but it does work wonders if you ‘over emphasise’ about your sex life with your ex saying that they were absolutely ‘brilliant in bed’ (If they were that good so why the hell did you leave in the first place schmook?) like ‘she were like a nympho’ or ‘he were like a stallion’ (it works) (lay back and shag for Cornwall cos your new partner will work their butts off to compete with your ex FFS) So if your ex is not there to defend themselves, be fair and don’t slag them off,  you rotten B’stards!

    So, you shalt always speak well of your ex because you really did definitely love them at one time and in time you may well wish you hadn’t left in the first place hopefully, you rotten sod! Were you at fault? Come on it’s time to fess-up! Were you a tight-fisted twat? Tell the truth man ffs! Are you beginning to wish you hadn’t left in the first place? Can you not sleep at night because you can’t get your ex-sex out of your minds FFS!? Do yer wanna go back? Too bloody late you can’t they are with someone much better now so you can GAFY! You made your bed so go and fricking lie in it, no use whingeing now! Deal with its bro!

5. Thou shalt be totally committed to each other and never lose sight of the other person’s opinion (however fricking stupid it is) but the male should always consider conceding “Sorry darling, ‘I was wrong’ and ‘you are right ‘again FFS” just for a peaceful life for you both you should understand.

6. Thou shalt complement each other especially women who love to hear those three words ‘you are beautiful’ or ‘fcuk you’re lovely’ or ‘do your hair’ FFS!! However ‘I love you’ goes a long way but the three words they all love to hear is ‘you’ve lost weight’ darling and say it like you mean it even though it’s not true, flatter her, be nice to her, caress her and if you play your cards right she might ‘get em off’ for you and  you can completely get ‘yer own way’ with her and then you can all wake up and find out it’s all been a fricking great ‘horny wet dream’ FFS!

   Ladies (in brief) thou shalt always compliment your man with those three words all men love to hear ‘fancy a shag’ Blissful!! Headaches & hot flushes & mood swings would not permit such joyous frivolities especially if you come from the Camborne or Redruth, so I am told anyway.  Let’s get physical.

7. Thou shalt show great physical love to each other and take time out at least three times a day cavorting and humping and bonking and shagging away to the sound of loud erotic music replayed and replayed again then at double speed FFS, this is a brilliant exercise and ‘good for your heart’ so full on naked bonking is compulsory up to at least the age of 92 years (ladies 96) twice daily and three times on a Sunday in time with the church bells bonk, bong, and bonk some more, go for it! It could be your last time, you never know, it won’t look very pretty  but fuck what does it matter and what a wonderful way to die FFS!

   (7a) Thou shalt not ‘fake’ enjoyment or climaxes and no talking just gentle moaning and encouraging ‘Ooos and Rrss’ during these highly exciting daily romping sexual rituals. Climatic and Erotic screaming is permitted in these exciting moments FFS and its great fun and really pisses the neighbours off so open all the king windows and shout and scream like fcuk YES! YES, and YES again and again and fcking again ffs at the start of and during and at the end of these climatic nuptials but concentrate and go for it and don’t fricking fake it FFS.  However, Prepare for eviction from jealous neighbours’ complaints FFS! Fcuk em!

8. Thou shalt always be energetic and acrobatic in making love with each other bounding and romping around the room shagging away like young things and ‘giving it some large’ depending on your age and your alleged severe disabilities (where’s your walking sticks and Zimmer frames now then you’re an old bugger) which suddenly all disappear during sex, have you noticed? Nothing wrong with your back now is there dear?

9. Thou shalt constantly praise each other’s body even though you are both probably bordering on being hideously but beautifully overweight and podgy with disgustingly beautiful creases and decreases and globules of fatty flaps everywhere darling and you’ve probably haven’t got a that much to offer nor a lot to look at ‘down below neither’ FFS!!! but, beauty in in the eyes of the beholder and thou shalt love and adore each other so who cares if you don’t look absolute perfection with all your imperfections! Love is blind so they say so shag away! WALOBs!

10. Thou shalt be more than imaginative in your love making. I find at my age a hoist above the bed is most useful although a recent power cut had me strapped in helplessly suspended from the frigging ceiling for four hours with an electric ‘butt plug’ vibrator up my rear end last Thursday FFS! (Please, don’t tell my wife)

11. Thou shalt not pee in the bath (it stings yer eyes) however joint bathing with special emphasis on washing the ‘down below’ areas of your partner (time for a shave dear) is great fun and showering together (if your shower is big enough for the two of you ffs, but is an even greater enjoyment especially with a bottle of Johnsons Baby oil treatment with his missus wife fondling his wee piece but still it won’t fcking rise to the occasion no change there then my man! One day he skidded in the king shower so badly he did a double somersault and hasn’t walked proper since) (and they still haven’t found the soap dish neither my lovers, FFS) But lots of imagination is required that is of course providing you can find a bath or a shower that is plenty-plenty big enough fer the two of YFBs!

12. Thou shalt not allow arguments to go on and on and pigging on. Act like sensible grown-ups FFS and shut yer gobs and listen for a fricking change FFS so give in to each other, fess up and kiss each other goodnight every night, tell em whatever they want to hear. Whisper sweet nothings and say sorry for whatever you have done wrong FFS and then you could get your wicked way and then pull her nightie down afterwards and then fall asleep and then wake up in the morning and then act as though you don’t know even each other and yer don’t speak and completely ignore them as though they don’t exist, and you don’t even make her a cup of tea FFS, wots that all about then you effing MOBs!! Great way to treat a partner? Respects FFS! But it is great fun for two when you make up as he admits in those three words women love to hear those ‘I am sorry’ ‘I was wrong’ It’s bonk time! ‘Get them off’ Yeh! Yeh! Yeh! ‘Go to sleep’ F F S!! It’s good to daydream in-nit?

13. Thou shalt not fall out with each other over trivialities and harp on relentlessly over sweet FA FFS!! Ladies, you all have it within your power to pull the most disgustingly frighteningly god dammed awful double chinned and dangerous ‘I am displeased’ look on your faces that says “don’t fcuk with me” ageing you in seconds by up to twenty years FFS and yet you do this without saying a single effing word but all of the time it gets you your own way, just for a peaceful life you understand? Wots that all about then, FFS!

14. Thou shalt always be happy with your life and loving to each other during difficult times and never let any other B’stards get you down. Don’t take on heavy debts together or alone, if you can’t afford it don’t get it until you have got the dosh dears! Thou shalt not get obsessed into believing there is a huge Bingo Jackpot that has got your name on it especially these TV adverts that say there are millions to be won which is a load of old bollocks, it’s good to have a flutter on a tight budget. Best spend a couple of quid on the lottery and daydream cos that’s as far as the majority of us will ever get, but what a daydream FFS!

    14a. Thou shalt allow your lady to partner the privilege of having her breakfast brought to her in bed every day by YOU personally 7 days a week ‘without moaning’ apart from on your birthday when it’s her turn to serve you. She will so enjoy, and love being pampered with these morning rituals ‘being waited on by her man’ as he walks into the bedroom (this is you) with her tray of breakfast Cereal, Fruit, Toast mug of hot water (to thin the blood) that on the plus side this is a certain way of you both getting your morning oats each day. That is of course if you like your daily oats a lot or not and you don’t? Drop the tray as you bring her-her breakfast in bed ffs!

15. Thou shalt allow your partner to keep in touch with friends but not relatives-that’s far too fcking complicated for a peaceful life (besides that you were supposed to have eaten them all FFS) but friends of bygone days is ok but be suspicious if it extends to stop-overs but then two’s and 4s can play at that game, can’t they?

16. Thou shalt share and share alike 50/50 is a good target but thou shalt not waste your money on rip off TV Bingo or killer poisons like tobacco and nicotine’s however the occasional home-grown joints or spliffs De Herb receives Geoff Says Pre-Nuptial total approval. Legalise it!!

17. Thou shalt love and trust each other and Thou shalt not try to make each other jealous unless there is someone really dishy around.

18. Thou shalt be happy to share absolutely (steady on FFS) everything together and stay in love until the next time around. All change!

Must be signed with at least 2 adult witnesses; (Great idea for getting the romping foursomes going)

 Date of Nuptial agreement ……………………………

Him & Her names; ………………………………………….

Her and Her names; ……………………………………….

Him & Him names; ………………………………………….

Her, her and him; (Lucky B’stards) ………………………………………………………………………….

Date and reasoning why and when it all ended with tears ……………………

 

In a new partnership it takes total love and loyalty to each other and definitely ‘NO’ neither of you can ‘have a little shag on the side’ cos that’s wot causes divorces and divorces are forking expensive! Then you have to employ bleeden rip-off Solicitors see, and all they seem to do is shuffle bits of paper from one side of the desk to the other write loads of crap to you, make loads of ‘gobbing it orf’ (basically talking a whole load of posh shite) phone calls to the other side and then they whack you with an amazing bill FFS! And, and they are quite delighted and ‘over the moon’ that poor old you is unhappy and ‘having a divorce’ because they will earn rich pickings preying on divorces cos, they know they can rip you off loads of dosh for prolonging proceedings that seem to go on and on forever and the delay is always caused by ‘the other side’ allegedly? Go Solicitors -AWAY!!

So, my advice is this; go for the long haul partnership and be like me and my missus there are thousands and millions of us in this happy and pleasant and permanently long and loving relationship bonded together just the ‘two of us’ meaning total togetherness where you go through all sorts of shit together ‘slaying many dragons’ on the way which seems never ending but you stand solidly together as partners over many years where at times you will love each other to bits and there are times you will actually loathe each other. But real love wins in the end FFS!

True loyalty and love for each other as you accept that she ‘the lady wife’ in your life who ‘must be obeyed’ and for the sake of peace in your life she gets her own wicked way all or most of the time and that ‘she is right’ about absolutely everything she says FFS! WALOBs!!

 But then as you grow an older and wiser couple you become acceptably graceful together in total love and trust prevails. And life is brilliant all of the time cos you just wanna be alone just the two of you in each other’s company when you can shut the whole world outside away and you can cosy up to each other and hold hands and have far too many ‘no sex cuddles’ but just be yourselves the two of you for life, living your lives and loves as one, then life is wonderful all of the time! Now isn’t that sweet ffs.

And then suddenly his Dick don’t work, or her Pussie has healed up ffs she has fricking renamed him Mr Floppy WTF FFS?    OMG’ I think I am going to snivel FFS! Next Partner please??

Now, wouldn’t that be lovely?

Hilarious Fun,

Love you,

Darling.

 XX

 I am not sure if I have printed this with my other blogs however I have edited adding more confrontational bullshit!